strength & positivity.

i don't talk about super personal things on this. it's my blog, i can really write whatever i want, but there's certain things i like to keep private. however. recently i've been talking to more and more of my friends breaking up with exes and getting broken up with, living in pits of non-commitment or hooking up with random guys to kill the pain of loneliness, and it just made me start thinking about it all. first thing, you have to love yourself and be confident before you can successfully be with someone else. living in a relationship where you're there solely to be cared for is not healthy for you or your partner. after being in a long term relationship where i felt that i needed to stay because i needed someone to take care of me, i realized that this is not the way it should be. luckily he made the decision i had desperately wanted but wasn't strong enough to do myself. i wasn't comfortable enough to be on my own. now, i'm strong, independent and happy with myself only because of what i am doing. i don't think this is something i could have realized if i was still in a relationship. i see this with my friends as well. they are all making decisions based on creating a positive change in their own lives, whether by their own choices or the choices of another. this isn't to knock the relationships they had. they were important and extremely real. i hate seeing my friends, and myself included, living in this idea that we need the fairy tale and that we will never find true love. people need that closeness, the intimacy, the love, but we don't need to be with someone just to be with someone. we are beautiful and strong by ourselves. if he only wants sex, and you want something more...don't do it. if he was screwing you, ditched you, and is now back...he just needs something to screw. if he's not making you a priority, he's not worth your time. stop being so concerned with who you're going to end up with and more about what you're going to do today. when you're living your life, laughing, and being comfortable in your own skin you will get the person that deserves your time, or you will be strong in your own life, living for what you believe in. trust me on this one.

can't stop listening to this band.

kristen f*****g felicione.

#loveyousoup

my soulmate is home from saving the world.
now the other one just needs to come back. 

i hope it's just a phase.

and i 

i don't really care about

anybody else when i haven't got my own life figured out.

cause when you're young and bored and 24

and don't know who you are no more. 

laughter cures all.

sometimes you just need to laugh with your best friends to make everything better. i got dinner with one of my bests tonight and as always, he made me choke on my food and i was crying at the table (in the best way possible). since we know basically everything about each other and hold nothing back, i think the surrounding tables either figured we were related or were so far gone into our relationship that rules no longer applied. i'm proud to say that majority of my best friends from high school have remained my really good friends. not too many people can say that, so i'm extremely fortunate. thanks for making it better, bud.

may angels lead you in

death is a really difficult thing. i've never lost anyone really close with me until now, and as much as you think you can prepare yourself you never really can. floods of memories come back to provide comfort, but also are difficult. she was an amazing woman. she always told the best jokes, the rudest jokes, and made the best faces. once someone passes, everyone always talks about how amazing they were, and talks about all of their great attributes. luckily, we told her constantly throughout her life. she knew how amazing she was, and that gives me the greatest comfort of all. rest in peace my angel.

fear is the heart of love.

when i was in thailand, we met this famous biologist who had once been a professor and on the discovery channel. he was sitting alone, speaking loudly, going from table to table greeting other guests as they were old friends. he had a coffee cup by his side that mysteriously smelled like booze, even though it was a buddhist holiday and all restaurants were dry. turns out, that this man had lost his daughter the day before. his traveling partner/wife/love of his life was in a hospital in france and he was all alone.

he told us the story of how he even got to south east asia in the first place. after 30 years of marriage, he had an affair with a 25 year old masters student. the student then had an affair. devastated, he picked up his life and moved to south east asia where he met his new wife while traveling. he said that she was his everything and had never experienced a love like that.

a few watermelon shakes later, he started to tell us advice about everything. apparently your nail beds can tell a lot about your life. the main thing that he spoke about though was fear. i had a crochet tank top on, and he told me to take my bandeau off and show my nipples to the world. now normally i would have thought this behavior to be extremely creepy coming from a 60 year old man in bangkok, but he wasn't asking to see my boobs, he was telling me something a lot more significant. he kept saying, "why won't you do it?" "what are you afraid of?" it's normal, it's human, why do we have to always live within the confines of society?

this interaction is in my thoughts everyday. i think we all spend too much time living in fear and doing what we think we're supposed to do. whether it be staying in a job because we're scared to see what else is out there, or staying in a relationship that we know is damaging because we don't want to be alone. never moving forward for fear of failing, or just the fear of anything that isn't normal.

for the past two years i feel like i've been living for everyone else but myself. change is going to feel so good. i tip my hat to my friends that have already done it. and to mr. o'shea.