mad, mad world.

"...because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles, exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'awww!'"

WATCH THIS.

one of my favorite songs from an amazing Sigur Rós album, Ágætis Byrjun.
though Sigur reminds me of times and people i'd be happy to not think of, it came on randomly last night and i cannot stop listening.

it is facilitating my mind set lately because it's such a free sounding experimental album.

i just cannot grasp the idea that we have been so conditioned to hide our natural sexuality and bodies, but subtle images are ok. the way that hollywood and this country have portrayed sex i disagree with almost 100%. since certain types of sex are "acceptable" (heterosexual sex with a hot girl and guy with good abs/2 hot lesbians), where does that leave the rest of us? why is a picture of a girl who is naked and above a size 4 judged as less beautiful than a model who's bones you can see? i'm starting to not even understand the words beautiful and ugly.

you're either on the bus, or off the bus.

change is good for the soul. i love sitting on the train with my music and thoughts. it lets me think and my thoughts let me breathe; especially as of late. i'm kind of excited about the future for once in my life. not knowing what's ahead is exciting in a freaky kinda way.

i am flawed if i'm not free.

how terrifying is it to think that something you have wanted your entire life might not be what you wanted at all? lately i've been going through a cleanse, though it's difficult. in one respect, i feel like i'm acting recklessly, but in the other i feel pretty fucking free (in my head at least), and isn't it important to just be free and selfish sometimes?

i'm a big believer in thinking about things A LOT before i actually do them. perhaps i lack spontaneity, or maybe i just care too much; it could be both. whatever it may be, i know that several things have been making me miserable lately, and certain things have been making me indescribably happy. question of the day (and everyday) for myself: is the juice worth the squeeze? hmmm...

if you're having a shitty day, go listen to your favorite song and dance around your room.
if you're having an awesome day, go listen to your favorite song and dance around your room.

kisses xx.

done.

i'm so done.

"starving"

Day one of the fast is coming to a close. I am cranky and moody and want my whole wheat angel hair with sauce more than anything in this world. But, the thought of me even being able to desire something like that makes this process worth every "fuck" I utter and every KFC commercial I wince at on tv. I have the option to do this; Darfurians do not. Tomorrow is going to be the hardest, especially working at the food pantry, but I am hoping that I will have the strength to fight through another day.

but this isn't about me.

Darfurian refugees need our help. If this fast can bring anything, it will make people more alert of the crisis at hand and more willing to express a voice. Nothing can be done alone, but together change can be possible. Listen and learn about those that do not know when their next meal will come, that are raped and murdered while gathering fire wood, that have to watch their families be torn apart and their loved ones fall to the blade of a machete. Think about the people other than you. This 3 day fast will not stop the war, but it will allow me to understand and learn more than I did the day before.

anguish.

"What all these victims need above all is to know that they are not alone; that we are not forgetting them, that when their voices are stifled we shall lend them ours, that while their freedom depends on ours, the quality of our freedom depends on theirs."-Elie Wiesel

above are the words of Elie Wiesel, author of Night and Nobel Prize Winner. i read this book in 10th grade english and just had to read it again for humanities. it is amazing that i still cried hysterically at the same parts. the last 20 pages are the worst for me. his description of a hundred human cattle on top of one another in a car transporting them to another chamber of death; their bodies nothing but empty shells; sons killing fathers; friends killing friends; death no longer a fear but a want. how can you fear something you already embody? the human cattle, moving together to keep warm; circling the car. end total: 12.

"he was holding one hand to his chest. Then I understood: he was hiding a piece of bread under his shirt. With lightening speed he pulled it out and put it to his mouth. His eyes lit up, a smile, like a grimace, illuminated his ashen face. And he was immediately extinguished. A shadow had laid down beside him. And this shade threw itself over him. Stunned by the blows, the old man was crying: 'Meir, my little Meir! Don't you recognize me...You're killing your father...I have bread...for you too...for you too...' He collapsed."

tomorrow, i am starting another "Darfur Fast For Life." my first attempt was in december for only 2 days, but i hope to make tomorrow the start to 3. i cannot know what it is like to be a Darfurian refugee, and i cannot change anything by fasting, but support comes in all forms. you cannot truly know the suffering of man until you walk in his/her shoes. learn about what you can do here: www.fastdarfur.org.