fear is the heart of love.

when i was in thailand, we met this famous biologist who had once been a professor and on the discovery channel. he was sitting alone, speaking loudly, going from table to table greeting other guests as they were old friends. he had a coffee cup by his side that mysteriously smelled like booze, even though it was a buddhist holiday and all restaurants were dry. turns out, that this man had lost his daughter the day before. his traveling partner/wife/love of his life was in a hospital in france and he was all alone.

he told us the story of how he even got to south east asia in the first place. after 30 years of marriage, he had an affair with a 25 year old masters student. the student then had an affair. devastated, he picked up his life and moved to south east asia where he met his new wife while traveling. he said that she was his everything and had never experienced a love like that.

a few watermelon shakes later, he started to tell us advice about everything. apparently your nail beds can tell a lot about your life. the main thing that he spoke about though was fear. i had a crochet tank top on, and he told me to take my bandeau off and show my nipples to the world. now normally i would have thought this behavior to be extremely creepy coming from a 60 year old man in bangkok, but he wasn't asking to see my boobs, he was telling me something a lot more significant. he kept saying, "why won't you do it?" "what are you afraid of?" it's normal, it's human, why do we have to always live within the confines of society?

this interaction is in my thoughts everyday. i think we all spend too much time living in fear and doing what we think we're supposed to do. whether it be staying in a job because we're scared to see what else is out there, or staying in a relationship that we know is damaging because we don't want to be alone. never moving forward for fear of failing, or just the fear of anything that isn't normal.

for the past two years i feel like i've been living for everyone else but myself. change is going to feel so good. i tip my hat to my friends that have already done it. and to mr. o'shea.

**

So tonight I will call you and try to say

"Thank you for being the sun on my face

I know the world's almost over but you make it seem better

And I hope for you I do the same"

You've got a long body sings Sinatra
I refuse to breathe and return to form
I've seen every moment in advance before
I've turned my neck a million times
             & written this note
       & been greeted with fire and cheers
I refuse to stop
           -- thinking --
        What Perfection has escaped me?


_AG

this is fact not fiction

for the first time in years. 

now i'm ready to start.

have faith that if you let something go that doesn't really serve you, you are making space for something better to come into your life.

give the anarchist a cigarette

so then we grew a little and knew a lot

my life is actually coming together for the first time in a really long time and i'm not quite sure what to do with myself. waking up smiling every day feels beautiful. life is so short. my bestest asked me on the phone before how it feels to not be joining everyone back to school this week. it feels AMAZING. i can do anything i want. i love finally having control over my life and doing things for myself. i wake up everyday and go to a job i love, and i spend the nights with people i love. growing up isn't the worst after all i guess.

thoughts.

i can't really believe that this summer is almost over. in a way my summer will be extended far into october. fall doesn't really start here until mid october, and with my first fall approaching without school, i don't know if things will really feel much different. without saying too much, this has been an intense summer of loving and losing and running around. i've spent it in 5 different countries, and started my full time job. i lost a best friend, but i gained more. i think i really saw how caring and compassionate people can be. when my life got twisted upside down, i received overwhelming love and support that made it pretty difficult to be upset for longer than 5 minutes. and when i needed to sit down, they understood, and when i needed to cry, they understood. at the end of the day, those are the types of things that are important.

can't stop.

random cool site to check out of the day

WANELO

there are just so many cool things in one area i don't even know where to start. good thing i have a lunch date in the city or i would be sitting on my computer looking at this for a majority of the day. besides for just being able to find cool, new shit, i always use sites like this to look for new trends or style ideas. it's amazing how one small thing can inspire you. some of my favorite new products that i found today: 

feelin' rich

my anniversary was this week and my boyfriend surprised me by taking me to the new york yacht club for dinner. his friend chris is the chef there, so we got to dress fancy and use a lot of silverware. john gave chris all of the ingredients i love, and he made the most amazing 7 course meal I've ever had in my entire life. it was such a cool experience and i loved every minute of it. i've always been more of a casual girl, but it's fun to experience things like this! many thanks to chris for the wonderful meal and the time he put in, and to my amazing love for being so thoughtful!

one world, separate lives.

it is amazing to me how different the world looks from other parts of the globe. i've spent my entire college and graduate career studying other cultures and places different than my own, but nothing compares to going into another place and experiencing it. i can't even say that i had enough time to really even begin to understand any other culture than my own, but i could see stark differences. 

everything just seems so petty right now. i guess going into social work we are schooled in that. when you see huge world problems, smaller issues seem pretty insignificant, even though we know they're not. i always refer to my favorite quote from the perks:

i think that if i ever have kids and they are upset, i won't tell them that people are starving in china or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they are upset. and even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have. 

                 
i mean, this quote holds a lot of truths. but after seeing some of the sights i've seen, and hearing some of the stories i heard, i feel conflicted. i think my issue lies not in the fact that people have personal issues that make them upset, even though they have a roof over their heads and clothes on their backs, but rather the lack of compassion i see everyday for those around them. it's easy to get wrapped up in your own issues, who hasn't? but the state of the world is a clear indicator of people only caring about those who look and think like themselves. how would the world be different if colonization didn't occur? i've heard people blame religion & barbarity but the roots have to be stronger than that. is it better to just try and do the best we can with the current system, or really try and change the system? to think it's impossible is foolish, but to think it will be easy is naive.   

return to normalcy?

whatever bego. awesome surf teacher & human

my tips became purple

first friend in bali. his burger joint was inspired from his time spent in california. if you're ever in bali, check out "five monkeys." DELICIOUS!

temple on a cliff.

i'm back from my 3 week long excursion to south east asia. it was such an unbelievable trip. i saw & learnt so many things about myself, other cultures and other people. i met people i will probably never run into again in my entire life, but the things they taught me will never leave. my phone (and camera source) got stolen in bali, so i do not have a lot of photos to post. once my friends get theirs up i will share more. 

do you remember...

just found this awesome list of summer to-do's from LAKES (my high school crew)
hilarious shit, though probably only to me:

numero uno: i'll leave this raunchy yet important one out
2. lisa MUST eat rice pudding
3. lisa MUST drink alcohol & get buzzed
4. splish splash we will be taking a bath
5. camping
6. senior cut day relived
7. six flags
8. scavenger hunt
9. hang out with african photographer aka john gooley (not too sure about that one)
10. go to a show at the crazy donkey (rip)
11. LAKES invades la citta...canal street (hahaha)
12. shopping at woodbury commons
13. SEX museum!
14. see joe play in virginia (nah)
15. visit tennessee (certainly did that one enough)
16. camping in lisa's back yard (best)
17. make smores (adventurous)
18. work on alyssa going to FLA
19. 4th of july mets game
20. just the mets game
21. meet someone famous (duh)
22. pass bio (lisa)
23. georgia rule (?)
24. outback (that got crossed out quickly)
25. walk on boardwalk
26. go to lisa's cabana...A LOT!
27. get a massage
28. 5.31 !!!
29. operation cone & garbage can
30. get 21 id's (YES)
31. go to arby's....yummmmm
32. sonic.
33. DQ
34. IHOP!


ambitious folk.

mark zuckerberg...

...disabled my account. ok, not really him, but someone in facebook land. it would be cool though. apparently if your facebook account gets disabled and they do not give you a warning it's for very severe activity. can't wait to find out what i did! this is actually a good thing though since i'll now be forced to upload my blog to stay in contact with the outside world through my south east asia adventure. but now, it's time for bed, considering i was at a concert in PA last night and at work at 7 am. oh and by the way, incubus was absolutely unreal. i'll post some pictures and a video when i have energy. <3 

spontaneity.

a little incubus never hurt anyone. apparently the use of "YOLO" is tainted. sorry drake, i had it first. 
incubus concert in PA tonight. tickets bought: 4 hours ago. random decisions define my life. 

spinach, turkey sausage and goat cheese bowl

this is a really easy recipe that i made up. mainly because it doesn't require any real thinking or culinary ability. it takes about 15 minutes to prepare and happened after i came home from school late at night and wanted to have something healthy but filling before the gym. searching around in my fridge spawned this:

i'm going to be completely honest. this looks nasty. but it's 2 links of turkey sausage cut up, and oh so delish!

i have a garlic addiction

sautee an entire bag of spinach in garlic and cooking spray (spinach gets compact quickly)

add your goat cheese

SUPER HEALTHY, FILLING AND DELICIOUS!
I WANT IT RIGHT NOW.

cause it's the moment that you're living in and not the one that follows

solid find.

so a few months ago my friend told me to check out the video above. i remember watching it and just having straight up chills. i'm not really a fan of songs that go over 6 minutes long, but this is an obvious exception. even if you don't like JBT i recommend just sitting and listening. it recently came back into my life yesterday while deciding on "all good" and i'm so, so happy i remembered it. i needed to relax early this morning, and it was perfect to play in the stillness with the sun shining through the windows.  now, it's pancake time!

Wai ไหว้ jewelry

check out this awesome jewelery line from one of the best people i know! soon, we'll be traveling around south east asia!

here!!!

she's so flippin' talented! 35 more days till we're strolling through markets, visiting temples and meeting amazing people!

smelly subways.

Dear French Prose Reader on the 1 Train,

I understand that you need to read French poetry while artfully scribbling things down with your number 2, but please, please, PLEASE take a damn shower. I'm confused as to why all hipster men in Manhattan feel that because they read classic literature while riding on the subway means they no longer need to follow proper hygiene regulations. Maybe you just were not prepared for the heat of this glorious April day, and for that I am sorry for putting you into a box. However, this trend must end.

Best,
Erin.

i killed you. i'm not gonna crack.

i fucking love nirvana. this song came on today and it made me think about when i first heard "nevermind" and the impact it had on me. i think i was about 9 years old, sitting in my neighbor's room with the other kids on the block and i was drawn to this album of a baby swimming in a pool. nirvana changed the way i listened to music. i didn't know their impact at the time, but i wouldn't be into a lot of the shit i am now if it wasn't for them. and dave grohl is a beast.

xx.

north fork!

i never realized how refreshing a long weekend can actually be. especially one free of communicative technology and millions of people. i went to southold this weekend with my boyfriend and his cousins were nice enough to let us stay at the house they have out there. friday we hit up some antique shops and an amazing winery called sparkling pointe. we were expecting the meat and cheese spread to be pretty fancy, aka extremely small portions positioned thoughtfully, considering how beautiful the winery was. but, we literally were served a huge helping of goat cheese and an entire sausage. no one was there on friday, so it was just us and the rows of vines. it was amazing to sit in the sun and just feel so calm. i've had quite the past 2 weeks, and this was exactly what i needed. the weekend continued with sunsets at the beach, more wineries, more goat cheese, cupcakes, underwear dancing and a cab driver named cindy. cindy actually grew up with a pet fox named, "foxy." that should give you an idea of how different southold is from manhattan. here are a few pictures from the weekend, more to follow!

before i go to sleep..

i pull the curtain back a little from my window so that the sun hits my face and wakes me up instead of my alarm.

drivin down the 101.

there are certain things from my teenage years that i can text to one of my friends and they'll completely get the same feeling that i do and know exactly what i mean. my friend amanda and i do this often with the "o.c." i can literally text her and say what's the GPRA and she'll know. it's weird to me to think of a show having so much of an impact on my life, but it really did. especially a show like the o.c. feelings and situations happening in my own life have been put with specific portions of the show, so when i see it, it really brings me back. i also worked at hollister, which for any of you living under a rock, know that it's california themed. and i feel like our lives kind of revolved around our fake california themed world for that period of time. this all came about because i was thinking of how much i wanted to be watching the o.c. right now instead of writing a human rights paper on child soldiers. it's never a good thing to start when you have work, because it never ends. kind of like SVU marathons.

smushed faced pups.

i have a huge obsession with dogs. not just any types of dogs, though. smushed faced ones. my obsession started back in high school when i discovered the french bulldog. i vowed that i would one day have one and name him nelson mandela. when it came time to go to the pet store and buy a pup however, frenchies were nowhere to be found, and the ones i did find were way out of my price range. so then i came across norah/bean/beaner face/the big big bean/NB, and she was perfect...and on sale. we now know why. i fell in love with this little creature and it really just reaffirmed my love for smushed faced pups. some pugs are seriously not the cutest, but bean is an actual beauty queen. such a model. my parents made me give her up for adoption (which turned out ok since my good friends took her), but i was heart broken and ended up crying on the shoulder of a very sympathetic waiter at benny's burritos. my parent's new dog is pretty cute too for a psychopath. anyway. whenever i'm bored/sad/happy/trying to avoid paper writing, i like to look up pictures of pups. this is turning into a really, really weird blog post and i probably sound like a huge freak. but i found this amazing website from pinterest called: The Daily Frenchie. i am about to become 10 times less productive.

KONY 2012?

i feel this immense sense of confusion and joy, hope and fear. first of all, i'm not sure how people have not heard of "invisible children" before. maybe that is me just being ignorant, but i guess i was under the impression that it was a known cause. regardless, it is getting people talking and hopefully learning. but although i can't say who you should and shouldn't fund, i think matters like this deserve a bit of research.

what the rebel leaders in Uganda have been doing to these children for decades is DISGUSTING and DISTURBING. but what i think invisible children doesn't tell us is that this is not an isolated issue. this happens everywhere around the world, but in africa known child soldiers are found in: sudan, yemen, guinea, sierra leone, liberia, cote d'ivoire, chad, republic of congo, democratic republic of congo, burundi, rwanda, central african republic, somalia & angola. uganda, i will say, probably has one of the worst cases, but so do places like sierra leone and the DRC. i guess my point here is that so much is going on, and that these problems did not just come out of the blue. they are fed from years of colonization, corrupt governments, marginalization and poverty. there are other structural issues to look into and i'm urging all of you interested in "invisible children" to do that. it's impossible for you to research every country, but look into one and try and learn all that you can. you'll be amazed. this is not just a problem for the children.

here's a good organization with a lot of good background information for those that are interested: http://www.child-soldiers.org/home

CSW Reception 2012

last week i had the privilege of taking photos at the UN Commission on the Status of Women Reception at the Turkish Center. after months and months of planning, the event was a huge success! the CSW is a 2 week long forum where women from all over the world come to meetings and events, discuss important issues and network and learn from one another. this year's theme was "rural women," so it was amazing to see midtown east flooded with beautiful clothing and different faces. here's a sneak peak at some of the photos from the event:

spring ahead

today is rainy and cold but tomorrow is march. march means spring! here's a little mix to get us all in the mood :)









these are just previews. if you sign up for free at http://www.rdio.com you can listen and follow me! (Congested_Clarity)

half full.

lately, i've been trying to have a glass half full mentality. difficult to do when your iphone get's stolen, but i've had it nonetheless. vanessa was kind enough to give me her old phone so i'm finally back in business. the positives of this are that my dad spent countless hours fighting with AT&T when i couldn't, i've learned how to survive for over a week without a phone, i've had a lot more time to think and i now get to put really fun names for people in my phone. examples: krusty, matthew "she gon" shapiro & botchworth. these are things i didn't do before. i've been given a second chance. and also, i'm getting icloud. thank you babe.

<3

dance & dance & dance & dance & dance & dance

this makes me want to dance sooo much. perfect pick me up for a rainy day or an expression of a beautiful one. like today.
go appreciate the things around you xx.

it's getting to me..

whole lotta love

so my boyfriend is the cutest. valentines day is one of those days that people put crazy expectations up and often get let down, or apply so much pressure. after several years of terrible valentines days, i have been not really thinking about it and that's been working out well for me. so this year my boyfriend had a big surprise that he was super excited about but he wouldn't tell me. turns out he got me a hot stone massageeee. it was AMAZING to just relax.

he's a little punk boy and he made me this mix cd that was the best. zeppelin, andrew w.k & the ramones? loves it.

oh my god this hurts like hell. i had that dream again where i was lost for good in outer space.

so my birthday was effin amaze balls. my friend jesse plays drums in jukebox the ghost (check em out..they're great!) and so i got to see them open for jacks mannequin. it's really been a life goal of mine to meet andrew, and my 17 year old self was jumping for joy when he barged into their dressing room. he will always hold a special place in my heart, and his songs hold A LOT of memories for me. watching the show from the steps on the stage, since that's basically all you got at irving, with people i love was more than i could ever ask for! 24 years young :) ps i love kerry darconte<3

birthday sex

it's my birthdayyyy! today i get to go to the UN for some meetings which isn't the worst thing in the world (except for the express train where everyone looks like they want to hurt me). i decided to ask the woman who was putting her makeup on with her knitting needles to let me sit next to her. she wasn't that pleased but i suppose that makes sense. today's mission includes finding a birthday dress, eating pasta and wine and seeing my long lost love andrew mcmahon at the jacks mannequin show thanks to kerry/jesse!! more updates to follow :)

who controls the past now controls the future.

so i felt this post was appropes to have a "rage" title. idk why, i just felt like doing it. for some reason, studding these bad boys was reallllllly hard yesterday, and when i finished up this morning it literally took me 5 min. maybe that means my illness is leaving my body! that would be super fun. today we taped up a mirror that i broke last week. ironically, the mirror broke and then my body broke out in a horrible rash. maybe i unleashed some sort of demon. anyway none of this has to do with the bamf toms i just studded. i didn't want to go too overboard, because i do wear these often, but i think they turned out pretty dang sweet!

i really must...

get a pair of these Darian bad boys soon. how cute with a black sheer button up and a pair of cut offs?! i keep seeing them in my dreams...a sure sign that they must be mine soon :) and who doesn't love j. campbell?



find 'em here: $165

summa please.

i don't know if i'm channeling my inner teenage angst lately or just listening to too much of the black keys, but i've def been trying to look like a female kurt. i sometimes wish i was this age in the early 90s. regardless, i cannot wait until the summer; so i can wear this; everyday.
i just found this list of 100 goals that i made my senior year of high school, and number 68 was to own a pair of red cons. i'm really ambitious.

left ta right:

these sunnies you can't get in amuuurica but there are similar ones here: RAYBAN: $145
UNIF: $69
this girl makes awesome shorts; for really creative people though, try and make some yourself! crazy cheap studs can be found here!
STAPLE: $45

i'm a lonely boy. i'm a lonely boy.

got some new blang.
it's not really bling.
more like 1950's wood carvings and cheap crosses and skullz.
either way it's good for me.
















i've had this weird illness for like 2 days now and it doesn't seem to be getting better.
with that being said, i have a lot of time to myself...in my house...did i say by myself?
perfect time to post and make things.
more soon bitches<3